Stop Chasing Closure
“True closure isn’t found in the answers we seek from others, but in the acceptance that we have the power to heal ourselves.” – Nichole Banks
Introduction:
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Stop Chasing Closure: Healing on Your Own Terms
Hey there, beautiful! Let’s talk about something I know far too well—closure. It’s this elusive thing we all think we need to move forward, but let me tell you from personal experience, chasing closure can feel like running after a mirage in the desert. You keep thinking you’re about to reach it, only to end up feeling even more lost and drained than before.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I just need to know why,” or, “I can’t move on until I understand,” this post is for you.
Spoiler alert: You don’t need their closure to heal. You already have the power to give yourself peace. Keep reading, and I’ll show you how.
The Myth of Closure
I used to think closure was this magical key that would unlock my healing. I wanted answers, especially after my marriage fell apart due to infidelity. I remember asking over and over again: Why? Why did you cheat on me, on us, on our family, on the future we planned? I thought that if I could just understand the why, then everything would make sense, and I’d finally be able to move forward.
Sound familiar?
But let me tell you, every time I thought I’d get that answer, it was just another round of frustrating, circular conversations that left me feeling even more confused and hurt. No explanation ever made what happened okay. No reason could justify the betrayal. And that’s when I realized: I was never going to get the closure I thought I needed.
The truth? Closure, as we imagine it, is a myth. It’s not something someone else can give us—it’s something we have to create for ourselves.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Chasing Closure
Chasing closure is exhausting, and it puts you on an emotional rollercoaster you didn’t sign up for. There’s that initial anxiety—you know, the kind that keeps you up at night, replaying every conversation, wondering if you missed something, asking yourself what you did wrong.
Then comes the frustration when, surprise, their answers don’t satisfy you. They don’t explain the hurt. And instead of finding peace, you find more pain. There’s also guilt that creeps in, this nagging voice in your head that says, “Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I’m the problem.” You question if you’re being unreasonable or too sensitive.
Let me stop you right there—you are not too sensitive. Your feelings are valid. But expecting someone else to give you the peace you crave? That’s only going to keep you stuck.
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How to Stop Chasing Closure and Find Your Own Peace
So, what do we do instead of chasing closure? How do we stop relying on someone else to give us peace and start finding it on our own terms?
It all begins with acceptance. No, I’m not saying accept what happened as okay—cheating, betrayal, any kind of hurt like that is not okay. But what we can accept is that we may never get the answers we’re looking for, and that’s okay too. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or that your pain isn’t valid. It just means you’re no longer willing to put your healing in someone else’s hands.
For me, the biggest lesson was this: I hold the power. You hold the power. Closure doesn’t come from that last conversation. It comes when you decide it’s time to turn the page, even without all the answers.
Actionable Steps to Stop Chasing Closure
So, how do you start taking your power back? Here are a few things that worked for me—and they might just work for you too.
1. Journal Your Emotions
I can’t stress this enough—get those feelings out of your head and onto paper. Write it all out: the anger, the hurt, the confusion. It’s not about getting answers; it’s about giving those feelings somewhere to go instead of letting them swirl around in your mind.
2. Set Boundaries
Cut off access. Block their number, unfollow, stop creeping on their social media (I see you!). You won’t find peace while you’re still looking for it in the wrong places.
3. Focus on Healing YOU
Instead of asking, why did they do this to me?, ask yourself, what do I need to heal? Take your energy back and focus on your own healing journey. This is where the magic happens.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Healing is not a straight line. Some days you’ll feel like you’re making progress, and other days you’ll want to cry on the bathroom floor. And guess what? That’s okay. Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace, and take it one day at a time.
5. Take Back Your Power
Stop waiting for them to make you feel okay. You’re the author of your own story. They don’t get to write the ending—you do. Remind yourself every single day that you are enough, and you are worthy of peace, no matter what someone else did or didn’t do.Ready to Heal and Move Forward?
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Ready to Dive Deeper?
If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to reclaim your power and stop waiting for closure, I’ve got more for you. In my Boundaries 101 course, I go even deeper into how you can protect your energy, set healthy boundaries, and start healing on your terms. Check it out on my website nicholebanks.com and let’s take this healing journey together.
And if you haven’t already, make sure to listen to the full podcast episode on this topic! I share even more about my own journey and some powerful insights to help you start creating your own peace. You can listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
You’ve Got This
Chasing closure is exhausting, but you don’t have to stay on that rollercoaster. You have the power to heal, grow, and move forward—without the answers you thought you needed. So stop chasing and start creating your own peace.
You’ve got this, girl. And remember, as always, we’re in this together. Let’s dare to begin this beautiful new chapter.
Let’s dare to begin this beautiful new chapter together!
With love and strength,
Nichole Banks
Divorce Coach & Host of The Nichole Banks Podcast
Dare to begin your journey to healing, happiness, and new beginnings. ✨
Host of The Nichole Banks Podcast
Creator of the Boundaries 101 Course
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P.S. If you’re ready to dive deeper into this work, be sure to check out my Boundaries 101 course and let’s level up together!
The Nichole Banks Podcast:
The Nichole Banks Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the ups and downs of life after divorce with a fresh perspective and a sprinkle of fun. Hosted by Nichole Banks, a divorce recovery coach and transformation expert, this podcast is all about empowering you to embrace new beginnings and find joy in the journey. Each episode blends practical advice, personal anecdotes, and a touch of humor to help you tackle life's challenges and rediscover your inner strength.
In recent episodes, Nichole has tackled a variety of crucial topics. Episode 83. How to Completely Reinvent Your Wardrobe and Personal Style, explores how to embrace life’s clothing options with optimism and grace. Episode 80. How to Heal From the Things No One Ever Apologized For, dives into setting healthy boundaries to safeguard your emotional well-being. If you’re grappling with loneliness, Episode 74. Focus on Your Results, Not Your Failures”, offers practical strategies to help you flourish on your own.
Tune in to The Nichole Banks Podcast for inspiration, actionable insights, and a supportive community ready to cheer you on. Each episode is designed to help you heal, grow, and embrace your best self.
