Why Do I Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men?

“Potential is not intimacy, and hope is not a dating strategy.”— Nichole Banks

Why Do I Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men?

(A Loving, Slightly Unhinged Investigation)

Let’s start with a confession.

If you’ve ever said,

“I don’t know how this keeps happening…”

Welcome. Pull up a chair.

Because if you’re a smart, self-aware, emotionally intelligent woman who somehow keeps attracting men who:

• “aren’t ready”

• “don’t know what they want”

• “need time”

• “are bad at communication”

• or disappear emotionally like it’s a competitive sport

—you’re not cursed.

You’re also not broken.

But you might be unknowingly fluent in a dynamic that feels familiar… even when it hurts.

And yes, we’re going to talk about it. Honestly. With humor. And zero shaming.

First: Let’s Clear You of the Charges

Before we go any further, let me say this clearly:

You are not attracting emotionally unavailable men because:

• You’re too much

• You’re not enough

• You’re “bad at choosing”

• You secretly love drama

That narrative? Toss it.

Most women who attract emotionally unavailable men are actually:

• deeply empathetic

• highly self-aware

• emotionally flexible

• generous with understanding

Which sounds lovely… until it becomes the reason you tolerate crumbs.

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The Pattern (You’ll Recognize This Immediately)

It usually starts like this:

He’s charming.
Attentive.
Funny.
There’s chemistry.

But something feels… slightly off.

You notice:

• He avoids deeper emotional conversations

• He keeps things light, vague, or intellectual

• He shares just enough vulnerability to hook you

• He has a complicated past he hasn’t actually processed

You tell yourself:

“He’s just slow to open up.”
“He’s been hurt.”
“I don’t want to rush him.”

Meanwhile, you’re doing emotional Pilates trying to stay flexible enough not to scare him.

Sound familiar?

Yeah.

The Hard Truth (Said Gently, But Clearly)

You’re not attracting emotionally unavailable men because of who they are.

You’re attracting them because of who you learned to be.

At some point in your life—often long before dating—you learned that:

• love meant patience

• connection meant waiting

• closeness meant accommodating

• and being “understanding” made you safe

So when someone shows up emotionally half-present, your nervous system doesn’t panic.

It recognizes the terrain.

Familiar doesn’t feel good—but it feels known.

And the nervous system loves what it knows, even if it’s unhealthy.

Let’s Talk About the “Potential Trap”

Emotionally unavailable men are full of potential.

And women like you?
You see it. Immediately.

You see who he could be if:

• he healed

• he felt safe

• he chose differently

But here’s the part no one says out loud:

Potential is not intimacy.

Consistency is.

Availability is.

Safety is.

If you’re constantly falling for a man’s future self instead of relating to his present behavior… that’s not romance.

That’s emotional hope investing.

And hope is not a dating strategy.

Why This Feels Especially Loud After Divorce

Post-divorce dating hits different.

You’re wiser.
More aware.
Less interested in nonsense.

But you might also be:

• relearning how to trust yourself

• craving connection after emotional drought

• trying to prove you can still choose “better”

Which can make emotional unavailability feel like a challenge instead of a red flag.

You think:

“At least he’s not abusive.”
“At least he’s nicer than my ex.”
“At least I’m not settling like before.”

But “better than before” isn’t the same as good for you now.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If this article hit home (and maybe hit a few nerves in the best way), don’t stop here. This kind of healing deserves support, community, and real tools—not just inspiration.

🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode here
💻 Explore my courses, women’s retreats, and the Dare to Begin Membership at nicholebanks.com
👯‍♀️ And don’t forget to share this with a friend who needs a reminder that healing is not a solo sport.

The Real Question Isn’t “Why Do I Attract Them?”

The better question is:

Why do I stay once I notice the signs?

That’s where your power actually lives.

Because attraction is automatic.
But attachment? That’s learned.

And it can be unlearned.

Real, No-BS Action Steps (Not Platitudes)

Let’s get practical.

1. Stop Listening to Words—Start Tracking Behavior

Emotionally unavailable men are often great talkers.

Instead, ask:

• Does he follow through?

• Does he initiate consistently?

• Does he lean in when things get real—or pull back?

Availability shows up in patterns, not promises.

2. Notice How Your Body Feels Around Him

This one is huge.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel calm… or anxious?

• Grounded… or hyper-aware?

• Secure… or like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Chemistry without safety is just adrenaline.

And adrenaline is not intimacy.

3. Stop Auditioning for Emotional Access

If you feel like you’re:

• explaining your needs a lot

• softening your truth

• waiting for the “right moment” to bring things up

You’re not building connection.

You’re negotiating for presence.

And love should not feel like a performance review.

4. Raise the Standard Early (Yes, Early)

You don’t need to trauma-bond on date three.

But you do need to notice:

• how he talks about emotions

• how he handles discomfort

• whether he can sit in vulnerability without deflecting

Emotionally available men don’t panic when things get real.

They stay.

The Plot Twist No One Expects

When you stop tolerating emotional unavailability…

It’s not just that different men show up.

You show up differently.

You stop explaining.
You stop over-functioning.
You stop waiting.

And that’s when dating shifts from exhausting to clarifying.

So… Are You Actually Ready for Emotional Availability?

Here’s the honest question most women skip:

Not “Why do I attract emotionally unavailable men?”

But:
“Am I emotionally available to receive something healthier?”

Because healthy love feels quieter.
Slower.
Less dramatic.

And sometimes… unfamiliar.

That’s why I created the Are You Ready for Love? Quiz.

Not to judge you.
Not to label you.

But to help you understand:

• what patterns you’re still carrying

• where you are in your healing

• and what kind of connection you’re truly ready for right now

✨ Take the quiz here
(Clarity beats chemistry every time.)

And if you want to go deeper, the book walks you through this work step by step—without blaming, shaming, or rushing you.

You’re not attracting the wrong men because something is wrong with you.

You’re just ready to choose differently now.

And that, girl?

That’s where everything changes. 💛

Until next time—dare to begin.
Nichole Banks

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